# ricer rules parts 1 & 2



## ·clyde· (Dec 26, 2001)

Part 1:

Sourced from http://modernmusclecars.net/forums/articles.php?do=riceboyrules,

The Riceboy Rules 
by: Matt Cramer

Have you ever wanted to argue with muscle car owners and assert the superiority of your own car, but found this to be difficult because you had a slow car, relatively little automotive knowledge, and underdeveloped communications skills? Well, now you can still get V8 owners angry anyway, by following these simple rules which cover most of the situations you may find yourself in during online or face to face arguements.

_1. Image_
Remember, your image is extremely important as a riceboy. Therefore, make every effort to point out how popular the rice scene is. Appeal to how many people are building cars like yours. Brag about how the import scene is more than just a trend; it's a revolution. The urge to conform is a powerful force, and use it to your advantage whenever possible.

_2. Opinions_ 
In a debate, your opinions count as much as real facts. If you think that Mustangs are ugly, that counts for just as much against them as being a whole second faster in the quarter mile. Remember, facts take time to look up, whereas opinions only take seconds to dream up.

_3. Horsepower_ 
To estimate your own car's horsepower, take the stock hp rating, and add in the highest estimated power gain from each mod you have done. To estimate the horsepower of an American car, take its stock horsepower rating, and deduct 10 to 25 hp for it being a POS. Make no adjustments for mods. Remember, Japanese horsepower is better quality than the horsepower found in an American car. If you don't know how much horsepower an American car has, assume it has either 30 hp per liter, or 200 hp, whichever is less. If you only have the engine size in cubic inches and don't know how to convert it to liters, make up for this by talking about how much English units suck. 
You can never emphasize hp/liter ratios too much. Always brag about how this is more efficient, and just ignore ignorant comments like, "Well, the S2000 makes 120 hp per liter, but it guzzles gas like a V8!" People who make these comments just don't understand that Japanese cars are always more efficient just because they are Japanese, and Japanese have more efficient technology. If somebody reminds you that your car still has less horsepower, talk about what would happen if Honda built a V8 with the same specific output as a Type R, or about what kind of performance a Mustang would have if it had only half the engine size. Some domestic trivia buffs may be able to come up with examples of small, high performance American engines. Just ignore these remarks; you're not likely to win if you try arguing about such cars. Concentrate on V8's instead.

_4. Weight_ 
Assume all imports weigh approximately 2,500 lbs, including Eclipses and Supras. Extremely lightweight cars like the CRX and Miata are exceptions. These should be assumed to weigh under 2,000 lbs. Assume all domestics weigh over 3,200 lbs at least, preferably over 3,800 lbs. The exceptions are really huge cars, such as the Chevy Impala or Crown Vics. These land yachts should be assumed to weigh over 5,000 lbs. If a domestic owner mentions something which you have no choice but to admit can't weigh that much, make fun of whatever POS he's come up with, and claim nobody in his right mind would want to be seen in something so ugly. See section 8, Pintos. 
Never, ever actually look up the curb weight of a car. If you make up your own weight figures, you can make the difference in weight look all that much more impressive. Constantly brag about power to weight ratios and how imports are better in that respect, even if somebody does the math and proves that many stock domestics have better power to weight ratios than your car.

_5. Handling_ 
Japanese cars handle better than American ones, and small FWD American cars handle better than pony cars. This is to be taken as an article of faith; you don't need any evidence to claim this, and shouldn't bother trying to bring up any evidence. Most domestic owners are primarily concerned with drag racing, so they seldom study enough about handling to argue this point. If someone does attempt to argue this, reply with some mumbo jumbo about how solid axles date back to the days of horse drawn wagons, and leave it at that. Do this even if your own car has a solid axle rear suspension. Also emphasize that light weight means better handling. See section 4, Weight. Emphasize that a large V8 up front makes for poor weight distribution, and neglect the fact that FWD cars frequently have even worse weight distribution.

_6. Milage_ 
Brag about how much more mileage your car gets as often as possible. This is one area where you can be relatively certain your car performs better than muscle cars. The fact that muscle car owners usually don't care too much about mileage doesn't matter. Some may be content to get 25 mpg or so with a modern fuel injected pony car, so claim without proof that their cars really get 16 mpg or worse. Assume that older big block muscle cars get less than one mile per gallon. Always use city mileage estimates for domestics, and highway mileage estimates for imports, to make the gap seem as large as possible.

_7. Quality control and reliability_ 
American cars should be presumed to be built to 1978 levels of quality control. When you wish to demonstrate how much more reliable your car is, use either Consumer Reports or an account of some American car built in the late 70's or early 80's that some family member owned and afterwards swore never to by another American car. Brag about how your car is going to last 150,000 miles, and state that none of the domestics owned by your critics will last that long, even if some of them have somehow managed to keep a domestic car on the road for over 200,000 miles with an unrebuilt engine. Remember, closing your mind is your best defense about being confused by facts.

_8. Pintos_ 
The Pinto should be used as an example of how badly built American cars are. Treat all American compact cars as modern day descendants of the Pinto. Ignore any comments about sick minded people who have either raced Pintos or stuffed V8's into them, or people with a sick devotion to meaningless trivia who have memorized such obscure data as the fact that only 27 Pintos ever caught fire due to being rear ended. Remember, image is what counts here, not reality. Pintos have a horrible reputation, and you should use it for all it's worth.

_9. Progress and technology_ 
It's an indisputable fact that cars have become better built, more powerful, and more reliable since the late 70's. Since you were probably born sometime in the late 70's or early 80's, what was built before then doesn't count anyway, so you can safely assume that newer is always better. Remember, many American V8's were designed even before the 70's, so they must be even worse than the cars designed in that decade. 
Never pass up an opportunity to mention any kind of technology found in your car that is not found in traditional American muscle cars. It doesn't matter how useful or useless this technology is, if it was invented by the Japanese, or even if you have a clue as to what it does; proclaim it to be a sign of Japanese technological superiority. However, you should at least make an effort to spell the name of the innovation correctly.

_10. Street racing_ 
The best way to estimate the performance of your car is by what you've been able to beat in a street race. Your kill stories should have the best spin on them possible. For example, if you drive past a parked Corvette, claim you found a Corvette and blew by it like it was standing still. They don't have to know that it really was standing still. Or race vehicles such as dump trucks and conversion vans so you can claim you beat an American V8.
Never post a timeslip if you can avoid it.

_11. Magazines_ 
Study up well on magazines like Consumer Reports and Super Street. They provide great arguing material. It's best to avoid magazines that cater to the enemy. Don't even touch books that cover serious, in-depth analysis of engine or chassis tuning. Your status as a riceboy is at stake here.

_12. When all else fails_ 
If you can't refute anything the people you are arguing with say, call them ******** and/or accuse them of being gay. These will get them angry without actually requiring you to think about their arguements.

-Matt Cramer (aka MadScientistMatt)

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Part 2:

:eeps:

US: 600hp on 92-octane pump gas
THEM: 300 hp on $3.00 a gallon race gas

US: Stickers for contingency
THEM: Stickers for extra horsepower

US: Keep a low profile and let the e.t's tell the story
THEM: Hoping the outrageous body kit will distract anyone from disussing e.t's

US: Tall spindle conversion for better camber gain and tire wear
THEM: Lowering 3" and ruining tires with 4 degrees of negative camber

US: Composite parts for light weight and aerodynamics
THEM: Composite veneer dash trim and gauges

US: Upgrading to a 9" 'cause you keep breaking stock rears
THEM: Realizing your built motor will keep breaking halfshafts forever

US: Functional air ducts to cool the engine
THEM: Six different cosmetic air dams in random locations

US: Swapping stock wheels for 17's to clear trick brakes and suspension
THEM: Swapping stock wheels for 20's despite stock brakes and suspension

US: Boost gauge on a blown car, nitrous gauge on a squeezed car
THEM: Both gauges on a NA car

US: 500 ft.lbs. torque at 3,500 rpm
THEM: 50 ft.lbs. torque at 35,000 rpm

US: Headers and 3" exhaust
THEM: Stock pea-shooter exhaust with 5" tip

US: 600 hp makes for an earth-shaking street car
THEM: 600 watts per channel makes for an ear-shattering street car

US: Buying an after-market shifter for shorter throws
THEM: Buying an after-market shifter for the lighted knob

US: Polishing taillight lenses to bring out the red color
THEM: Installing clear taillights to bait the cops

US: Cruising and burnout contests at car shows
THEM: Disco-dancing and stereo competitions at car shows

US: Old-tech push-rod Chevy pushing 405 hp
THEM: State-of-the-art, dual overhead cam Honda VTEC pushing 180 hp

US: Race-class lettering on the rear window
THEM: Japanese "HONDA" lettering on the rear window of a Nissan

US: Tach mounted on the dash, in the drivers line of sight
THEM: Bobbing-head doll mounted on the dash, in the drivers line of sight

US: Nitrous Oxide
THEM: Noss

US: Installing a 12-point cage after breaking into the 11's
THEM: Installing a 12-point cage for more places to mount more gauges

US: Feeling the car shake from a lumpy cam
THEM: Feeling the car shake from the booming bass

US: Going sideways into third gear
THEM: Going sideways to clear a speed bump

US: Doing a short burnout to warm the tires before a pass
THEM: Weaving from side-to-side because Nascar racers do it.

US: Comfy stock bucket seats on a 9 second street car
THEM: Back-breaking fiberglass racing seats on a 17 second street car

US: Showing off a 500 hp dyno sheet
THEM: Boasting that their 150 hp engine makes more hp/liter

US: Spending $700 to get into the 11's
THEM: Spending $10,000 to get into the 12's

US: Installing sub-frame connectors to stiffen the chassis
THEM: Connecting the sub-frames with neon lights

US: Leaving on the third amber light at the strip
THEM: Blowing thru red lights on the street

US: Annoying blind spot caused by the cowl-induction hood
THEM: Annoying blind spots caused by limo-tinting and triple-decker rear wing


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## EdCT (Mar 14, 2002)

Arguement? 

Milage?

Rule number one should be, if you expect to be funny, you'd better learn to spell.

Ed


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## Thertorch (Mar 10, 2004)

:rofl: :rofl: :thumbup:


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## Optimus Prime (Nov 11, 2003)

:rofl: :rofl:


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## Tangent (Jan 18, 2004)

What scary is how many of those rules are actually used by people I know. They follow some of them so closely it's like they have a reference sheet with them printed on it. Especially rules 1, 4, 5, 7, and 9. What baffles them the most is figuring out a response to being told about how the amazing Japanese innovations and inventions weren't actually invented or even used first by a Japanese manufacturer...


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## Artslinger (Sep 2, 2002)

THEM: Stickers for extra horsepower
THEM: Stock pea-shooter exhaust with 5" tip
THEM: Buying an after-market shifter for the lighted knob
THEM: Annoying blind spots caused by limo-tinting and triple-decker rear wing


:rofl:


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## jetstream23 (Mar 9, 2004)

US: Spending $1,000 for professional driving lessons to gain 2 seconds per lap
THEM: Spending $1,000 for a CAI to have the world's loudest lap time


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## ketchup (Jan 14, 2005)

flame on :rofl:


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## TeamM3 (Dec 24, 2002)

EdCT said:


> Arguement?
> 
> Milage?
> 
> ...


jeezus Ed, lighten up


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## Jever (Apr 16, 2003)

part 1

part 2


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